A Very Motoki Christmas
by Rokutagrl
Summary: Haruna and Akimaru spread cheer on Christmas to the Nishiura Baseball Club. Supposedly that's the intent. Pairings only if you squint with inebriated glasses!


Title: A Very Motoki Christmas

Author: Rokutagrl

Characters: Oofuri

Pairings: Only if you squint :3

Warnings: Clumped writing at 4 am after an interesting evening, edited briefly before Christmas presents. In other words: I'm sorry ::hearts::

Disclaimer: Don't own. Or else this would be an episode. Only better.

Summary: Haruna and his helpful elf spread Christmas aneurisms through Saitama!

Haruna hefted a loaded bag over his left shoulder. He regarded his image in the mirror, pulling this or that in better placement. He primped a few strands of hair, fixed his eyes to a pleasing level and tinkered with the weight on his back.

Akimaru barely glanced up from his magazine, "You look ridiculous."

"—ly sexy!"

"Whatever you want, dear." Akimaru turned another page, "Oh! The new CD is out!" He lifted the book to show his friend excitedly, "Get me this while you're out, kay thanks Santa!"

Silky green fabric knocked the material right out his hands.

"Let us bring joy to the world and holly, minion!"

The catcher lifted the elf costume to eye level, suddenly wishing he had left his glasses at home. "I'm not wearing this!"

"Don't be difficult, minion."

"Shut up, Haruna!"

"There is no Haruna," a fist lodged itself into the wall beside Akimaru's head and he hated himself for the involuntary squeak from his throat. "Only Santa!"

He really wished Haruna decked in a fat suit with white curls was less imposing.

"Now get dressed, _elf_, and let us sleigh hence!"

"Yes, Haruna, sir!" Akimaru gulped.

Haruna drew back his fist, earlier intentions dismissed as he rubbed his bearded chin. "Sir. I like that. All right, minion! You shall refer to me as only sir. Santa sir when appropriate."

"…Yes, Santa, sir…"

"Now get dressed!" Haruna snapped his fingers, throwing one booted foot out the window and grinning towards his somewhat battery. "Santa has only one night to deliver all these gifts to the good little boys."

"You do know you're not actually Santa, right _sir?" _Akimaru was all ready slipping off his jeans when Haruna laughed, dropping out of sight with nothing but a soft thud.

Soft flakes were pleasantly cascading around them, building over the road. Normally the bespectacled catcher would thrill over a white Christmas, but he hadn't been _normal _since high school.

All of this was the fault of Haruna. Every last bit.

"Did you really need to get the _girl's elf costume_," Akimaru complained, looking for his balls under all the skirts and tights. Again, this was all the fault of Motoki Haruna: he hadn't seen them much in the last couple of years. "Where are we going anyway?"

"To deliver cheer."

"I highly doubt that."

"At the Nishiura Baseball Club Christmas Party!"

"Yep." Akimaru fixed the collar of his coat to hide his face from the public as best he could. If someone called the cops, it would have to be on the jolly pitcher. He was getting the hell out of dodge if and when possible.

Besides, prison in his current position would equal a Merry Christmas for some sexually frustrated deviant and he wasn't all that into giving.

"I can't wait to see the look on Takaya's face when he opens his gift!" Haruna declared loudly to the night sky, and Akimaru shivered. _He _could wait another fifty bajillion years or more.

All too soon the sign for Nishiura High School came into view. The air centered about was thicker and the snow more menacing. It really put together the whole atmosphere.

Akimaru really wished he knew how Haruna knew how to get to the roof. And why they didn't just use the actual doors.

"Now," Haruna muttered through his cotton curls, "Where is the fireplace." The pitcher surveyed the rooftop, squinting through the swirling air.

"There is no chimney, _sir._" Akimaru mentioned, in vain.

"We'll just have to make our own, then! Like that Tim Anthony guy!"

"Let's not."

"Tom Acme!"

"That's not his name…"

…

"Haruna—? Haruna! Don't use the pick-axe!" Akimaru slapped his face at the first splinter.

O:

Shinooka and Momoe had really outdone themselves! They were able to rent out the gymnasium for the evening for "club activity" and spent most of the week decorating and cooking with the Cheer Club.

They kept the guests to a minimum; Shinooka, the boys (of course), and the cheer club members. The advisors came by every once in a while to check on damages and sneak off with pastries. Parents had been invited but all declined under the pretense, "Let the children have their fun!"

Dates were also encouraged, though oddly enough, the only females outside of the baseball club were the cheer girls.

"I've got this really bad feeling," Abe was mentioning to Hanai around the punch ball. His companion took a sip of the punch, regarding it nervously.

"Nah," Hanai disregarded the other's nerves. "Tajima hasn't been near the punch all night. He's too busy playing pin the tail on Tosei.

"I hope Mizutani recovers all right…"

"No…"

"It was _one _miss, Abe. Let it go."

"…This is much bigger than Tajima."

Hanai put his drink down, shaking his co-captain's shoulder. "Are you all right man?"

Abe looked up from the festive tablecloth, his face the perfect image of imminent horror. "_It's here—"_

"You're scaring the crap out of me, man!"

_**Crash! **_

Shards of glass caved through the gymnasium. Hanai, who would deny it much later down the road, held tightly to the catcher with a sharp, "Eeep!" he would claim to have been the girls ducking beneath the table beside them.

Suyama, Oki, and a few others took up bats, basketballs, and tennis racquets in hopes of fending off this new enemy.

Izumi yawned.

"Ha ha ha!" Haruna sang loudly as he swung in through the newly opened window a second later, bringing with him the cold winds. Akimaru dangled dangerously after him, dancing before the team in his uncomfortable attire. "Merry Christmas!"

Suyama put his bat down first, "Doesn't he mean, 'Ho ho ho?'"

"Don't question Haruna-logic," Sakaeguchi felt himself whine from the memories trapped in a bathroom stall.

"Is that all you guys are worried about?" Oki shivered.

Haruna, unperturbed by his audience footed around the gymnasium. His heavy boots echoed off the somewhat bare walls until stopping dead.

His victim: scrawny, blond, and completely scared out of his wits in a desolate corner.

Haruna's lips spread easier than peanut butter on cheez-its, from ear to ear. The action was easily as delicious, as it was peculiar. He pulled a wrapped box from the sack he had been dragging through the night and placed it into shaking hands. "Here, little boy! This one is especially for you!"

"Mihashi!" Abe shouted, dashing to his friend's aid as though their lives depended on it. "Don't open it! It might be a bomb! Or worse, you could cut your fingers!"

"That would be the tragedy," Hanai commented dryly.

"Don't be so rude, Ta-Ka-Ya!" Haruna ticked the syllables with his index finger. "Santa has no reason to bring harm to your chicken!"

"C-ch-chicken…?"

"Haruna, you're not Santa."

"I mean chickens are the morally edible penguins of the rest of the world! And they taste _like everything!"_

"I ate a penguin once!" Tajima interjected.

Izumi shook his head, "Penguin shaped candy isn't made of penguins."

"Yeah? Well it tasted fishy!"

"Because you dropped it in the koi pond."

"You're just scared," Abe goated.

"Of what?"

"That this chicken is going to beat you to Koshien!"

Mihashi chirped in vain.

"Pffftttt!" Haruna shared before holding his sides in laughter. Even Akimaru couldn't hold down a few chuckles. "I'm surprised they let chickens on the mound!"

"Well, they do! And he beat Tosei all on his own!"

"I do like think we helped…Just a bit," Oki mentioned softly. Nishihiro shrugged, motioning for his friend to keep quiet.

Abe grabbed the package from his pitcher's fingers and forced it back on his previous. "Now take your stupid cosplay and get the hell out of our school!"

Haruna pouted, "But Takaya, we only wanted to spread joy and love and cheer~"

"You broke in through a _window_."

"We did make a chimney," Akimaru mentioned.

"Wha—I'm not even going to ask."

Haruna reached into his bag of evil—cheer and produced a clear weapon. "It was pretty simple, actually!"

"PUT THAT AWAY, YOU IDIOT!"

It took Suyama and Akimaru a good minute to wrestle the axe from the pitcher—and by some Christmas miracle not a soul was injured.

Except, mayhaps, if one counted the ill-will a particular catcher(s) was sending a golden eyed pitcher.

"Ah! You don't have to worry my Takaya! I got you something very special, too!" Abe really couldn't pick out the worse part of that sentence, so he settled on despising the horrible grin Haruna sported.

The crazed pitcher/Santa reached into his bag of horrors, producing a decently wrapped rectangular package. As Abe read the tag he felt the chills chase themselves this way and that about his body: To My Takaya, Love Your Haruna.

"Now I really must be off! There's only _one _Christmas, you know!" He skipped off, pulling his 'lovely assistant' along for the ride. Umehara loudly protested receiving gifts from strangers.

"What'd he get you?" Hanai wondered, hovering over his shoulder.

"…Do you really want to open it… here?" Sakaeguchi squeaked by his left elbow. Oki and Nishihiro sipped their drinks inconspicuously close to the second baseman.

The catcher was on the verge of losing a blood vessel in his forehead. His fingers ticked against the 'ho ho ho' wrapping paper, cautious of its contents.

Finally it seemed to peel on its own, revealing the item of great excitement.

"Did he—"

"Really?"

"Oh my—!"

"What a great gift!" Tajima gasped excitedly.

"He got you…" Hanai furrowed his brows as though willing the material to change.

"Gay porn," Abe admitted with great pain.

Oki (who totally wasn't listening in) spat out his drink on a very concerned Nishihiro.

Motoki Haruna's laughter rang through the gymnasium before it was substituted by the sound of his choking.

"You were right, sir," Akimaru tried not to giggle. "We really did bring cheer!"

:'D

Mihashi slithered dizzily to another corner, dry sobbing to himself when the rest of his class happened by.

"Don't you want to open your presents, Mihashi?" Tajima attacked, shaking the blond's shoulders with his holiday vigor.

"You're going to break him like that—" Hamada worried, all ready jumping to his childhood friend's aid but was thwarted by Izumi pulling him back.

"Let the idiots work it out."

The pushing finally shook the words out of Mihashi's lips, "A-a-abe-kun t-t-thinks I-I'm…"

"It's okay!" Tajima comforted, slapping Mihashi hard on the back. "He meant you look like a chicken when you do this," he pulled his mouth in different directions, trying to imitate the pitcher's signature look. "He didn't mean you were scared!"

"Real smooth, Tajima."

:D

The Christmas Moral: Rokutagrl cannot write crack, though she tends to anyway.

And the whole Tim/Tom guy is about the Santa Clause, if you were wondering ;D


End file.
